


Take the Edge Off

by dexteritysave



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Aftermath of a DEO mission gone wrong, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Big Sister Alex Danvers, Drunk Alex Danvers, F/F, Maggie Sawyer/Alex Danvers - Freeform, Major Character Injury, Secrets don't make for stable relationships, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-11-19 05:41:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11306865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dexteritysave/pseuds/dexteritysave
Summary: Alex Danvers learned early that on when there's no one you can talk to about your crazy train wreck of a life alcohol dulls the ache. Old habits die hard. Some nights she needs something to take the edge off. It's not a problem...until it is. After a failed mission that leads to the death of an agent and a night of heavy drinking Alex finds herself in a situation that she is ill-equipped to handle.Note: sorry to anyone that tried to read this Feb 10-11th. I've been revising chapters 1 and 2 and things got a little wacky. As of this edit, everything is in the correct order.





	1. I Drink to Forget

“Hey Babe.”

Alex Danvers has to consciously remove her hand from where her DEO pistol is holstered at the sudden statement. She isn’t sure if she’ll ever get used to coming home and seeing the lights on in her apartment but god does she want to.

“You’re here!”

Warmth settles in her chest as her eyes land on Maggie. Her detective is sprawled across the couch wearing gray sweats and a faded NCPD shirt. Out of the corner of her eye, Alex notes that seven o'clock news is highlighting Supergirl's heroics earlier in the day.

“Where else would I be Danvers?”

As the agent settles onto the couch a realization washes over her  _I'm home_. Maggie leans down letting her head rest on Alex's lap while Alex brings her left arm down to wrap around Maggie's stomach.

"I don't know Detective Sawyer but I'm glad you're here."

She loves the small wrinkles that deepen at the edge of Maggie’s mouth when she smiles. _God, she's beautiful_. Alex is sure that her heart stops for a second. She glances at the window half expecting to see Kara crashing through to check on her before looking back into chocolate eyes.

Maggie’s left eyebrow is raised as she poses the question and even if Alex couldn’t see the smile, she’d hear it. After the week she’s had, all she wants to do is fade into her couch with a bottle of whiskey. But, the prospect of doing anything with Maggie is infinitely more appealing.

“Yeah?”

Alex's response is immediate. She kisses Maggie's forehead tenderly before leaning her own forehead against it and whispering, "yeah."

Maggie smirks up at her before shifting up to place another kiss on Alex's lips, short and playful. 

“Not for long Agent Danvers, I’ve got to head out for my shift in twenty minutes. I have just enough time to shower, but, you can join me.”

Maggie throws a coy smile her way before disentangling their hands  _how did I not notice that we were holding hands._

“I-”

Alex hesitates. She wants to. God, she wants to, but her ribs are still a mass of bruises. In a flash, she’s back on the asphalt with an intense ringing in her ears blocking all sound. Warmth brushes over her arm then there's pressure in her hand. She’s back with Maggie. Squeezing the hand holding hers she tries to look up with a reassuring smile. Before she can say anything Maggie beats her to it.

“You don’t have to babe, totally optional.”

She hadn’t disclosed her injuries. At this point, she’s sure that if Maggie finds out it will lead to an uncomfortable discussion. It’s not a question of trust, she trusts Maggie with her life. She trusts Maggie with Kara’s life and that’s… _new._

“Hey, hey Alex. Are you okay?”

Maggie pulls her back and Alex tries to offer a convincing smile because she is okay. She got to come home to her wonderful girlfriend and Kara saved the day and Maggie lit her favorite candle which means that her apartment smells like Jasmine. It's more than she can ask for even with the slight ache every time she moves.

“Yeah. I'm good. Go shower”

Maggie, amazing, empathetic Maggie, doesn’t budge from her side. Instead, her fingers brush Alex's hair back while her other arm rests against Alex's cheek.

“You sure?”

Alex leans into the warm hand, closing her eyes to gather herself for a moment before replying.

“I’m sure babe, but thanks.”

Maggie picks up on her mood. She knows something’s wrong. Alex can see it in the way that she cocks her head to the right. The detective is sharp, she doesn’t miss much, and Alex knows wheels are turning in her beautiful mind.

“Because you’re totally convincing me right now. What’s up?”

Sighing Alex leans back against the couch. Maggie perches across from on the coffee table. 

“Just a rough day.”

That’s not an explanation. Alex is still not sure what she can say about what happened. She’s not sure how to explain her current emotions, there have been so many crashing around her. Sometimes it's panic sometimes it's overwhelming anguish but for the past few days, they've been coming in waves. She can’t stop reliving it. She doesn't want to admit how much one mission is affecting her.

“J’onn still not letting you back in the field?”

_That too._ She knows it's the right call. She doesn't blame him.  _But if I could just get out there, I'd have something to focus on. I could start moving forward and putting this behind me. No, I can't just put what happened behind me. I have to remember._

"Alex?"

_What? Maggie. What were we talking about? J'onn?_

“Not yet, it was a week ago. He’s never kept me out this long. When I broke my arm I was back in four days.”

Maggie frowns leaning over her and resting her hands on Alex's thighs.

“We’re coming back to that later. But right now, is there anything that I can do to make you feel better?”

Alex leans forward and kisses Maggie's cheek before tugging slightly on her girlfriend's arms. Maggie relents and leans into her until they're a mess of tangled limbs on a couch that's too small for two people. Burying her head in Maggie's shoulder she mutters, "Just stay like this for a minute?"

………………..

“I’ve got to go but,” Maggie trails off and Alex can almost hear the second part of her sentence. The 'I don’t want to leave you alone' that Maggie barely holds back.

“Do you want me to call Kara?”

The answer is an emphatic no. Alex knows she’s not okay, and there’s no way that she’s going to be able to protect Kara from whatever nightmares the blond is having. She knows how hard Kara takes it when agents from the DEO are injured. Her little sister still hasn't accepted that she can't save everyone. Alex wants to be a steady calming influence for Kara, but right now she can’t hold Kara and say that it’s okay. It’s not. It’s not and she’s not sure how much more lying she can do.

“No, I’m just going to crash. I can’t wait until you’re off nights.”

Maggie smiles leaning down for a chaste kiss before grabbing her keys off the table.

“You and me both, see you for breakfast?”

Alex smiles because that's something she can look forward to.

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Bye babe, love you.”

“Love you too, be safe.”

“Always am.”

The moment Maggie walks out of the apartment it feels empty. Alex stands, walking towards her kitchen, drifting towards the far left cupboard as she hears her front door lock. She pulls it open with more force than she means to and reaches for an amber colored bottle hidden on the top shelf. Forgoing mixers, ice, even a cup; she takes a heavy swig.

Smooth with a familiar burn.

Her hands are shaking as she lowers the bottle to rest on the counter. The sound the glass makes as it knocks against wood is familiar. Instantly she’s back on Eighth street with two rookies, joking about how Jones actually named his dog Superpug after losing a bet with Vazquez.

She feels everything all at once. Anger, she wants the punk that killed Jones to burn. Helpless, she couldn’t save a fellow agent. Pain, in her line of work she knew that nothing was guaranteed but...He was just a kid. She tries, she tries to swallow the guilt but it’s eating away at her churning her stomach and a sob slips out.

Before she can break down she pulls the bottle to her lips and tries to make it stop. She drinks but she can still see the way that Carmichael's eyes widened. She can still hear the thud of a small metal ball hitting the ground behind her.The world spins. Grabbing the counter she squeezes it and closes her eyes. She’s home. She’s safe. Nothing’s behind her. God, she can almost still feel the impact. She didn’t see Jones dive on the small alien weapon but Carmichael did. Jones was gone before she even got up off the ground.

…

Alex lurches forward, unsteady. She turns away from the television and tries to focus on the lamp beside her, flinching as the light fixture spins worsening her nausea. She’s going to throw up. Standing too fast she sways, falling hard. On hands and knees, she stills. Taking a deep breath Alex begins repeating an old mantra:  _don’t throw up_. After two tries she decides to give up on standing and melts into the ground resting her head on her forearm. Even with her eyes closed, she can feel the room moving.

Seconds later, she jolts up in an uncoordinated mass of arms and legs. _I’m going to be sick_. Her mouth is watering, her face feels hot, and she still can't stand up straight. Instead, she crashes against her wall and uses her left shoulder for support. She reaches over sloppily with her right hand creating a second point of contact as she guides herself to the bathroom. She doesn’t have time to turn on the light, the second she opens the bathroom door she’s miserably sick.

\---

Catching her breath, Alex closes her eyes leaning her head against the wall next to her toilet. She’s not ready to move from it yet. She still feels as if she’s at sea. Suddenly the floor shakes underneath her as a thunderous boom cuts through the night.

“What now?”

Pushing against the toilet, she’s proud that at least she’s still able to stand. Low light is pouring in from the living room  _at least the lamp isn't broken_. Before she heads out a thought occurs to her. Whatever is out there, she doesn’t want to face it with remnants of vomit on her face. Taking a slow deep breath she reaches for a towel to wipe her mouth.  _I haven't been this drunk since college. I can't feel my face._ She loses concentration and sways. Catching herself, her hand lands heavily on the metal towel rack and she feels it give under her weight. The bar hits the ground the sound an echoing ache in her head. Kneeling she grabs her towel wipes her face before arming herself with the broken metal bar. 

Her movements are slow and the corners of her vision blur away. She’s not sure what she’s expecting when she finally makes it into her living room. Whatever it was, it's not the new view of National City's skyline that greets her. The window by her living room is gone along with most of the wall that once surrounded it. She continues surveying the damage.

On top of the rubble is  _oh god, Kara!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been wanting to play with the concept of Alex's drinking problem since season one. I think that the show has done a great job of showing instead of telling with this issue. Maggie coaxing Alex into talking to her instead of drinking is one of my favorite scenes. 
> 
> Alcohol consumed in moderation by someone of a legal age isn't something that I see as a problem. In fact, it can be quite enjoyable. What I've seen in the show though is Alex responding to negative stimuli/uncomfortable situations with alcohol. Ultimately I want Alex to have a chance to develop healthy coping mechanisms in a supportive environment. 
> 
> I've typed up most of the second chapter already; It should be up later this week. I'm thinking of bringing Lena in a bit later once we're out of crisis mode and having a splash of Supercorp. If you liked it...Kudos will make my day and comments will make my week! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> P.s. obviously, I don't own Supergirl.


	2. When I Fall Apart

On top of rubble that was once a glass table in her living room is _oh god. Kara!_ The bar from her towel rack clammers to the ground as Alex stares at the epicenter of her destroyed apartment. Her little sister. She’s curled into her side and surrounded by glass and concrete. From across the room, all Alex can make out is that her suit is stained red. Kara. _Get up. Get up! Be okay. Please!_ Her stomach rebels again and Alex braces her hands against her knees. As soon as she has control over her facilities she dizzily stumbles towards Kara. As she walks by her couch she notices her phone resting on a cushion. Blindly she grabs for it, misses it, and slides her hands against the cushion until she makes contact. It takes three tries to unlock it with facial recognition. The icons of various apps swim in front of her. She pokes at the phone symbol and hits the last number that called hers. 

“Alex?” 

“Maggie!”

Her voice cracks with brief relief until fear pulls once more at her chest. She knows that Maggie will get help to them but Kara doesn’t have time to wait. Alex grabs the fleece blanket that she keeps on the couch and balls it up while stumbling towards the injured hero. There are three deep gashes across Kara’s abdomen and blood is beginning to pool on her floor.

“Alex, what’s wrong?”

The question pulls Alex back. She drops to her knees and immediately pushes the blanket against Kara's stomach. She tries to apply pressure to the wound with her right hand while holding the phone to her ear with her left. 

“Kara’s hurt. I don’t, I can’t. I can’t drive right now Maggie. I can’t help her.” 

Even to her own ears, she sounds drunk. Her words slur at the edges. Her sentences are a rushed mess of panic and Maggie, her rock of a girlfriend, gasps. 

“Where are you?” 

Kicking herself, Alex tries to fight through the whirling fog of poison and panic to provide all of the relevant details 

“Living room. She's bleeding and I- I can’t get it to stop.” 

She can almost see Maggie jotting down the information. From the background noise, it sounds like she’s at the station. 

“I’ll get help to you, Alex, I promise. You said that you’re in the living room. Yours or hers?” 

Maggie’s using her cop voice. It’s one that she saves for walking civilians through emergency situations. Alex mentally berates herself. How could she not have specified that? It’s important and she’s wasting precious seconds that Kara doesn't have. _She's going to die and it's my fault._

“Mine.” 

She can hear her voice shaking. 

“Good, good Danvers. Alright, how long has she been there?” 

“Minutes. Maggie, she’s not healing. Why isn't she healing? She has superpowers.” 

Alex feels like she’s going to throw up again. She swallows heavily, forces herself to breathe, and hopes that there’s nothing left in her stomach because she can’t leave Kara’s side. She has to apply pressure. She rocks back and forwards her right hand never relenting. In the background, Alex can hear Maggie speaking to someone else before coming back on the line.

“Alex, it’s okay. I’m on my way. I’ll be there. J’onn’s already flying out to you and a DEO unit is following. We’re going to take care of her, I promise. Was she conscious when she got to you.” 

“No.” 

Alex wants to run her hands through Kara’s hair. _She's not supposed to be this pale. How much blood has she lost?_

“Okay. Alex, just keep applying pressure. Can you do that for me?”

Alex nods in response and puts all of her focus on keeping Kara’s blood in her body. She kneels over her sister moving her left hand to the Kryptonian's abdomen trying to hold the phone with her shoulder. 

“Kara. I’m here. I’m here. I’ve got you. You’re going to be alright. I promise. Okay? You’re going to be alright.” 

She loses her balance and tumbles forward. Her body makes a wet thunk as she lands on Kara but the blond doesn’t make a sound. In a flash, she’s pushing herself up, tears welling in her eyes at the thought of having done yet more damage. She runs a bloody hand through Kara’s hair staining it red before focusing back on stemming the blood loss.As she waits she speaks to her sister. Her every word is a mantra of _I’m so sorry Kara_ occasionally including a plea that the Kryptonian stay. She doesn't notice that her phone is now on the floor three feet away. 

It feels like an eternity hears a soft thud behind her and the gait of someone approaching. 

“Alex.” 

She's never been happier to hear his voice. 

“J’onn!” 

“Are you okay?” 

No. The answer is no. In every way possible she’s not okay. 

“Yes, J’onn! Kara. She’s bleeding.” 

In an instant, he’s kneeling down next to her in full Martian form. A warm hand squeezes her shoulder and inches between her and Kara. The next thing she knows, J’onn’s towering over her with Kara cradled in his arms.

“I’ve got her, Alex. Alpha should be here to contain the scene momentarily.” 

She nods mutely. Everything in her panics because he's taking her little sister away. 

“Be careful.” It's all she's able to choke out her eyes never leaving Kara's form. 

“On my life.” 

With those words, he’s gone. J’onn’s gone. Kara’s gone. Alex is left in her apartment that’s covered in blood, broken glass, and vomit. 

\-------

Vasquez is the first on the scene. She knocks three times and when there’s no answer she breaks down the door. Picking the lock would have taken more time and finesse than she's prepared for. The first thing she notices is the acrid smell. The second is the gaping hole in Danvers' wall. The third is her friend. Alex doesn’t even look up at the noise. The agent is on her knees surrounded by blood-stained rubble.

Vasquez moves directly to Alex and begins a visual scan, checking for injuries. She doesn't have the extensive medical training that Hamilton or even Danvers has, but she can still identify flesh wounds. Finding none she kneels, lowering herself next to Alex who smells like a distillery. It clicks.

“Okay Danvers. You’re okay.”

Over the comms, she hears from J’onn that Supergirl has made it to the DEO. She knows that Maggie Sawyer is en route as well as the rest of alpha. She also knows Alex Danvers, she's known Alex for four years. They’re more than colleagues which is why she hadn’t hesitated to jump on her bike when she heard that something had gone down. Alex wouldn’t want the rest of Alpha to find her like this, especially after... Realizing that her comrade hasn't spoken, Vasquez tries to elicit a response. 

“Hey, you did good Alex. Hamilton’s taking over now. Kara’s at the DEO, let’s get you cleaned up okay?” 

Alex stares past her. Reaching out to rest a hand on Alex's shoulder, Susan tries again.

“Let’s get you cleaned up so that you can go see Kara.” 

The only response is a slight head nod. Vasquez pulls Alex into a standing position, stabilizing her before guiding Alex to the bathroom. She thanks whatever entity that she can for it being such a small apartment. The door’s wide open which only makes her job easier. Gently she slides Alex into a sitting position on the edge of the bathtub. 

“Maggie’s on her way. I’ll send her in with a change of clothing for you. I’m going to go start standard cleanup and decontamination procedures in your apartment. Okay?” 

Alex nods once. With that Susan’s out of the bathroom and moving discretely taking care of the evidence that shows just how plastered Alex was. She makes a mental note to reach out when the night is over. As she finally gets to the rubble, the part where she makes sure that no one has access to Supergirl's genetic material, she hears a click. 

“Hands up!” 

Susan smiles. She recognizes Maggie Sawyer’s voice. Of course, Danvers would find the one person on Earth as competitive and combative as herself. She'd lost a bet with Edwards about the relationship arguing that it’d take them at least six months to get past arguing over crime scenes and jurisdiction. 

“Sawyer it’s me. I left before the rest of the team, took the bike to miss the traffic on the 405.” 

She waits, hands in the air. They’re all on edge and the last thing they need is friendly fire. 

“Vasquez. Where’s Alex? Is she okay?” 

Susan lowers her hands before slowly turning around to see Maggie in uniform, perfect stance, lowering her sidearm. Even if her form is impeccable, Maggie's hair is wild and her eyes are filled with fear. 

“She’s in the bathroom. She needs to shower.” 

Maggie nods. 

“How’s Kara?” 

They both look over the scene and after a poignant silence, Vasquez responds. 

“As of the last update, she made it to the DEO.” 

“There’s…” Maggie trails off. 

“A lot of blood, but she’s not human.” 

It's what she tells herself everytime she sees the blond ray of the sunshine step between an agent and a bullet. It's what she has to say mentally when she sees Kara take a hit that could down a 747. It's true, but... 

“Human or not...” Maggie voices where her own mind was going and Susan compartmentalizes. She has a job to do and the night will go faster if she can focus.

“I get it. The best thing that we can do for her right now is make sure Alex is taken care of.” 

Susan watches as the detective glances towards the closed bathroom door. 

“She sounded…”

Maggie trails off. Understanding the context Susan nods. 

“She's going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.” 

Maggie frowns running a hand through her hair. 

“Jesus. Okay. Bathroom.” 

“Bring a change of clothes for her.” 

Maggie nods before grabbing her faded GCPD hoodie along with sweats before approaching the closed door. Taking a deep breath she knocks once before pulling it open. Alex is sitting on the edge of the tub hands folded protectively across her stomach. She's staring at the floor and Maggie notes the blood up to her elbows. There are maroon handprints on either side of her and Maggie's heart shudders. 

“Alex.” 

Her lover's name is out of her mouth before she can even think about her approach. Tossing the clothing onto the counter she strides forward. It’s an awkward position but she kneels in front of Alex holding her tightly wishing she could do more.

“Maggie. Kara-” 

Her voice is a soft whine. 

“She’s at the DEO. She made it there.” 

Alex is clinging to her, burying her head into Maggie's shoulder as she speaks. Maggie's sure that she's going to need a change of clothing as well but that's not what matters. 

“I’m her doctor. I’m the one that’s supposed to help her. I’m supposed to take care of her and I couldn’t.” 

“You’re not the only person that can help her.” 

Maggie hates this. She loves little Danvers, but she hates the way that Alex puts Kara first to the point that she feels ashamed for living her own life.

“It’s my job to protect her and when I can’t do that...it’s my job to fix it.” 

There’s no logic in the world that will change Alex’s mind. She’s not listening to responses. She’s not capable of higher level thought process. Still, Maggie tries to at least calm some of the storm as she pulls her into a standing position. 

“You did. You took care of her until J’onn got here.” 

Alex only shakes her head before it drops against Maggie's shoulder. Alex's body sags against Maggie and for a moment the detective is worried that the agent passed out on her. 

“I need to be there. If something goes wrong…” 

Her worry about Alex having passed out proves to be meritless as Alex immediately pulls away and lunges towards the door. Maggie barely catches her girlfriend before pulling her back towards the tub.

“Alex.” 

Maggie doesn't want to point out that there's nothing that Alex can do in her current state. She doesn't want Alex to feel worse than she already does but her pause says enough. 

“God I’m so stupid.” 

Immediately Maggie's hands cup Alex's cheeks forcing eye contact. 

“Hey, no. No, you’re not. You’re a genius Danvers and you’re the most dedicated person I’ve ever met. Now, we’re going to shower, get you changed, and then we can go to the DEO.” 

With that, she lowers her hands and takes a step back to give Alex space. Alex pulls wildly at the hem of her shirt before stumbling. Instantly Maggie’s hands are there catching her. Maggie undresses her girlfriend making sure to keep a steadying arm on Alex at all times. As soon as they're standing, she checks Alex for injuries. She sucks her teeth at the yellowing bruises that paint her lover's ribs. They're going to have a long discussion about that but she prioritizes Alex's current wellbeing over her anger at not having known about the injuries. She sits Alex down in the bathtub before turning on the shower making sure the temperature is tolerable and ignoring the water that pelts her.

“Will you be good here while I run to grab a change of clothes?” 

Alex nods and Maggie pulls the shower curtain before cracking the bathroom door. Vasquez along with a team of agents are sweeping through the area documenting blood splatter and the angle of impact. She tries to remain unnoticed while she moves to the dresser and she appreciates the professionalism when no one interrupts her. She’s back in less than a minute and immediately she undresses jumping into the shower with Alex. The moment the scalding water hits her she jumps back, losing her balance and falling against the wall.

“Babe, this is way too hot!” 

She adjusts the temperature doing her best to pull Alex out of the way while she waits for the water to cool. 

“The blood wasn’t coming off.” 

Alex stares down at her hands. Maggie can’t tell if the lingering red is tinted from the hot water or remains from earlier. 

"Alright. We’ll get it off together. Okay? Can you stand?” 

Alex nods but she’s leaning heavily to the right and Maggie can already see the overcorrection she’s about to make. Grabbing Alex’s hands she places them on her own shoulders and wraps an arm around her waist. Pulling her in she holds Alex under the water. For a moment in the steam of the shower, they’re hidden. Alex slumps forward, buries her head into Maggie’s shoulder, and shudders. 

“Lean on me, I’ll take care of the rest. I’ve got you, Danvers. “

Once they’re both clean, Maggie turns off the water and eases Alex back so that she’s sitting on the side of the tub. Stepping out of the shower she reaches for her towel when she doesn’t find one she peeks out only to see that it’s on the ground. She catches that there are questionable stains on the white towel and decides against picking it up. Water drips onto the tile and she makes a note to be hyper vigilant with Alex as she moves towards the clean towels folded on a shelf above the sink.

She pulls out two, sets hers on the counter, and wraps the second around Alex’s shoulders. Once they’re both dry and dressed she reassesses the situation. 

“Okay babe, we’re going to walk together. Here put your arm over my shoulder.” 

She pulls Alex’s arm over her shoulder and wraps her own around Alex’s waist taking care to avoid the bruising. Alex sways every few steps practically melting into her. As she walks through the now government crime scene she tries to block the view of Alex's fellow agents. Stepping into her slides that Alex keeps by the front door, Maggie helps Alex to do the same. 

“Detective Sawyer.” 

Susan runs up slipping her arm under Alex’s left as she opens the door to leave. 

“As of the last update, Supergirl is in surgery.” 

Maggie nods. Even after the update, Susan stays at their side until Alex is belted into the passenger seat of her squad car. 

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.” 

Slipping into the driver's seat Maggie reaches over and squeezes Alex’s hand she turns the key in the ignition. Alex doesn't say a thing until five minutes into the drive.

“I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” 

She needs to know what page Alex is on. 

“You shouldn’t have to take care of me.” 

Maggie almost snorts. Alex is one of the most independent women she's ever dated. _She's worse than Kate._ Without even blinking she asks, "so you wouldn’t have taken care of me if the situations were reversed?” 

She can see Alex struggling to respond. 

“That’s not what I... I shouldn’t have gotten so...god I’m so stupid. I couldn’t help Jones. I couldn’t help Kara.” 

Maggie blinks. She'd heard about a mission going wrong but Alex hadn't wanted to provide more details. For someone else's name to weigh on her girlfriend when Kara was in critical condition... 

“This isn’t a conversation that we’re going to have until tomorrow after you’ve had water, food, and at least ten hours of sleep. But Alex, I love you.” 

Maggie reaches over and squeezes Alex’s hand. 

“I get it, alright. The things I’ve seen in Gotham...It takes time to come back from that, but you’re not alone. I’m not going anywhere. Tonight, we’re going to go and wait for news on Kara and I’m going to pour water down your throat.” 

She lets go of Alex's hand to turn and when she reaches back down it's not there. Glancing over she notices Alex has her head in her hands. 

“Why am I such a fuck up?” 

Maggie reaches out to reestablish contact resting her hand on Alex's knee. 

“You’re not. Hey, listen to me, Danvers. You hold yourself to higher standards than anyone has any right to. It’s part of what makes you the most incredible person I’ve met but it also means that you walk with the weight of the world on your shoulders.” 

Maggie see's the DEO and feels a rush of relief.

“I’m one of two people in the state that can operate on my sister.”

Maggie has a feeling that she's going to have this conversation again when Alex is sober. Testing the waters she speaks her mind freely. She's pretty sure that Alex isn't going to remember this in the morning. 

“So what? Are you never allowed to enjoy yourself? Never allowed to have a vacation? You’re never allowed to have time to yourself? Things like this happen Alex. It sucks, but they just do. You’re not responsible for that and it shouldn’t fall on you to be the person always called in to put Supergirl back together.” 

Parking Maggie sighs before looking over at Alex. The DEO agent is slumped in her seat staring at her hands. 

“She didn’t ask for that.” 

Maggie reaches over and takes both of Alex's hands in her own. 

“You didn’t either. You had your life changed, for better or for worse, when you were just a kid. You’ve spent your entire life looking out for Kara. You’re allowed to live for yourself too Alex. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that.” 

Alex chokes back a sob. 

“I canceled my last three sisters nights with her.” 

Maggie blinks. She hadn't known that, but she's one hundred percent sure that little Danvers wouldn't hold it against Alex. 

“Kara’s an adult. She knows you’ve been busy, that you’ve been stressed. She loves you, I don’t think she minds.” 

Alex only shakes her head wildly. 

“Crinkle.” 

Smiling softly Maggie asks, “are you sure you're not twins that can read each other's minds?” 

The edges of Alex's lips tilt up and Maggie accepts that it's the closest they're getting to a smile. 

“She wears her heart on her face.” 

"We're here. I'll come around and help you up. We'll go up the back way together, okay?" 

J'onn meets them at the door and guides them to his office. As soon as he closes his door he makes sure that Alex is situated on his couch with a blanket and a water bottle. Maggie has questions that she wants to ask him but she tables them. Instead, she sits next to Alex and pulls the brunette against her. Alex is fading and Maggie can feel her slumping further until she's lying on the couch with her head in Maggie's lap. 

"The DEO is not a standard medical facility. We don't have waiting rooms available however you're both welcome to stay here until we have more information on Kara's status."

Maggie nods running her hands through Alex's hair.

"Please, make yourself comfortable Detective. I'm going to go check on Supergirl."

The second that he's out of the room Maggie kicks her feet up onto the small coffee table in front of the couch. Leaning back she closes her own eyes hoping for sleep. 


	3. Help Me Heal

"Alex, honey, it's time to wake up." 

Her head is pounding and even with her eyes closed, she can feel the light in the room. Instead of even attempting to open her eyes, Alex turns her head into the warm pillow that she's resting on and she does her best to escape back into the void of unconsciousness.

"Alex." 

The voice is pulling her back, forcing her into a waking state and Alex fights against it. Only now she's aware of more than just the aching of her head, her stomach is roiling dangerously.  _How much did I have to drink last night?_

"Alex sweetie, you've been asleep for fourteen hours and you're dehydrated. If you don't wake up now, I'm going to insert an IV." 

The old and very familiar threat from almost every illness in her childhood shoots cold electric fear through her body. She knows it's not an idle threat. 

"Mom?" 

A cool hand ghosts over her cheek for a fleeting second.

"Yes sweetie, I'm right here." 

 _Why is she here?_ Alex's mind feels thick and full of clouds and she can't blink through the haze. _I remember Maggie leaving, drinking, ugh throwing up, and then...KARA!_

Alex jolts up and into a sitting position eyes flying open. It's a mistake. Dark spots fill her vision as the world blurs and she feels herself lunching forward. A hand at her back catches her and guides her back down. 

"I've got you, baby." 

 _Maggie?_ Alex leans into the hand and chances a glance to her left. Maggie looks exhausted with dark circles under each of her eyes, still, she manages a soft smile. 

"Hey Danvers." 

Alex bites her lip as she turns to examine her mother. She sees the same dark circles, her cheeks are hollow, and her mouth is pressed into thin lines. Alex doesn't like what that means for the state of her sister.

"How's Kara?" 

Eliza smiles softly shaking her head while staring down at Alex wrapped in her lover's arms. After adopting Kara, she'd found it difficult to balance her time and attention between both of them and work. She'd tried, but the events of the past two years had informed that she had failed. Thinking about it, her heartaches and stomach feels heavy with guilt.

Maggie Swayer is a good fit, Eliza had seen the woman put Alex first and care for her throughout the night. Eliza's attention had been required to make sure that her youngest survived. Any mother would be happy to see their child find someone that loves them. Eliza saw nothing but love from the moment she walked in that night and Alex's head was in Maggie's lap the detective gently running her fingers through Alex's hair. 

Looking down at Alex now Eliza can't help but smile even through the bone-crushing exhaustion. She's so proud of her oldest. Alex is everything Eliza could have wanted her to be, honest, brave, intelligent, true to herself, fiercely protective of family. So much so that she's immediately asking about Kara even through what Eliza knows has to be a terrible hangover. 

"She's stable. She woke up for a few minutes this morning." 

Alex sags against Maggie at the news before looking up with wide eyes at Eliza. 

"Mom," She pauses for a beat, her brain struggling to come up with a reason for her mother's presence.

"Why are you here?" 

Alex notes that the second the question slips through her lips the smile on her mother's face stops reaching her eyes. It reminds her of the way that she would smile at Kara when her younger sister would do every chore around the house after her dad died. Something happened with Kara. 

"J'onn flew me in last night, come here." 

Eliza sits on the couch and Alex slides into her mother arms her throat tightening. She's embarrassed at the high pitched whine that escapes from her throat as she buries her head in her mother's shoulder. 

"Eliza, we need you to review the latest reports." 

J'onn's voice cuts through her momentary reprieve, the sudden presence of another person is jarring. 

"Sweetie, I'll be right back. Drink some water okay? Maggie?" 

Eliza makes contact with Maggie and their silent conversation makes Alex feel even more unbalanced. W _hat happened that they're so close after one night?_

"I'll make sure she drinks plenty of water Ms. Danvers." 

Eliza scrunches her face and Maggie corrects herself, "Eliza."  Alex catches the way her mother gently places a hand on Maggie's shoulder before standing and following J'onn. The second that they're clear Alex turns to Maggie.

"What isn't she telling me?" 

Maggie stares at Alex with her detective level poker face and Alex's stomach tightens. She tries to remember the night before but everything is blurry and vague. She can remember parts of leaning into Maggie's body with water putting over them both. Her chest chooses that moment to ache. Absentmindedly she rests a hand over her bruises catching Maggie's eye. 

"I'll tell you, but I want you to remember this feeling when we have a conversation about those bruises on your ribs. Okay?" 

"Shit, Maggie! I-" 

Alex still can't get a read on her girlfriend. She expects to find traces anger and frustration maybe even indignation or betray at not having been given the full details of what happened with Jones. _This week has been terrible!  Maggie deserves better than this._

"We're okay Alex, and we need to talk about this but we're solid. You've got enough in your plate already, you don't need to worry about us. Last night Kara had a bad reaction to the anesthetic. J'onn had already flown out to Midvale to get your mom, it was pretty touch and go but they brought her back. Apparently, you're not the only Danvers with the brains to create gadgets to help Kryptonians. The DEO contracted her about a year ago to help with making a Kryptonian epi-pen only it was much stronger. Drink your water." 

Alex heaves forward dropping her head over her knees and takes a deep breath in an attempt to steady herself. 

"I feel like I'm going to be sick." 

Maggie places a hand on her back without rubbing, just applying steady pressure and Alex is struck by how well her girlfriend knows her needs.

"Kara's okay. She's going to be sore as hell for the next week or so. That's how long they're estimating it'll take for her to get her powers back. Finish your water and then we can go to the medbay." 

"Maggie I-" 

Alex drops off there. She's not sure how to continue her statement. She wants to say that she fucked up but they both know that. She wants to apologize for keeping the fact that her ribs are still peppered in bruises a secret. She wants to say that she loves Maggie more than she can express with words. Above all else, she needs to see her little sister because she doesn't remember much from the night before but she remembers bloody handprints in her shower. 

"Hey, come back to me There you are, feeling up to walking yet?" 

Alex nods attempts to stand, and immediately the world swims around her. 

"I've got you." 

Maggie's arms wrap around her. 

"Lean on me Lex."

_How is she so perfect? Wait, that's a new pet name._

"Lex?" 

Maggie smirks and leans up planning a quick kiss on Alex's cheek.

"I think I get to make a new pet name after holding your head up over a trash can last night." 

_Shit._

"Kill me now, okay? Before my mom finds out? It'll be an act of kindness." 

She's only partially joking but Maggie chuckles all the same.

"Think of it as your penance." 

Alex shakes her head. "God Maggie, thank you." 

"Yeah well, you're going to be eating so much vegan everything." 

The playful banter feels normal. It's exactly what Alex needs and gently she bumps Maggie's hip. 

\---

Kara's in one of the DEO hospital rooms designed specifically for aliens. There's a light glow from three bulbs hanging from the ceiling above her and Alex immediately recognizes them as the prototype x that she'd been working on. She'd designed them for Kara's apartment to emit lowgrade solar radiation indoors. Her little sister's covered in light blue sheets. She's sleeping on her back  _she hates sleeping on her back_ and if Alex didn't know that there were three gashes across her abdomen and chest, she wouldn't think that the sleep was anything but peaceful.

There's so much she wants to say to Kara. Leaning forward she whispers. 

"You're going to be just fine, okay? I'm here. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you earlier. I promise I'll do better." 

Alex wipes angrily at her eyes before any tears can form.  _She almost died and I was too wasted to do anything to help her._  

"Alex?" Kara's voice is soft and breathy. Her eyes don't open but the hand closest to Alex lifts about an inch off the bed. Immediately Alex leans forward softly wrapping her right hand around Kara's. With her left, she brushes hair out of her little sister's face. She's trying to create multiple points of contact for Kara knowing how much her sister desires closeness. 

"Hey, how are you feeling?" 

When she'd first walked in Alex had grabbed the IPAD next to Kara's bed to review Kara's treatment plan. After seeing what her mom had ordered for pain management and she really doubts that Kara's feeling anything.

"Was Eliza here?" 

Alex nods before realizing that Kara's eyes are closed. 

"Yeah, mom came down. You really scared us." 

Kara frowns and for a second Alex watches a crinkle fold itself over Kara's right eye. She forces herself to wait, to give Kara a chance to respond before barraging her with questions. 

"You okay?" Kara's voice cracks as she asks the question.  

Alex bites her tongue to keep from laughing at the absurdity of the youngest Danvers in a hospital bed asking her if she's okay.   _I shouldn't lie to her._

"I'm getting there. Mom and Maggie are around they've been looking after us. You didn't answer my question." 

She's pretty sure that Kara forgot what the question even was at this point. Kara's managed to partially crack her eyes open and Alex offers her a genuine smile before asking her question again. 

"How are you feeling?" 

Kara's eyebrows scrunch together as she thinks of an answer. 

"Sleepy, and my stomach feels stiff." 

 _Stiff is better than agonizing pain._ Alex nods, she needs to say something to reassure Kara that everything's alright.

"Good, that's good. Mom must have you on the good stuff." 

Kara's head and should tip forward in what Alex takes as a nod in agreement. She reaches up with both hands and gently helps Kara lean back without agitating the wounds across her torso. Seconds after she sits back down she hears a weak, "hand?" 

"Right here."

Alex feels her hear warm as she takes Kara's hand once more in her own. After a few minutes of even breathing Alex chances a question. She's fifty-fifty on if Kara's still awake but she wants to know what led up to this. 

"Do you remember what happened?" 

"Robot with kryptonite claws, laser vision wins." Kara's words are whispered, her eyes still closed and Alex knows she's going to be unconscious soon. 

_We're going to need to tag Winn in on this. If there was a robot with kryptonite that means that someone out there is targetting Kara.  It could be Cadmus. If we can find the components he might be able to tell for sure._

"Did you kick its ass?"

The corner of Kara's lips quirk up, "Yep." 

"That's my girl. Get some sleep, I'll be here when you wake up. Promise."  

Alex leans over Kara and kisses her forehead. As she lowers herself back into her seat she hears a faint, "love you." 

"I love you too, Kara. 

 

\---

Kara manages to convince Eliza that she can return to her apartment without powers after two days of whining. The condition Eliza placed was that Kara would not be alone, ie Eliza would be living with the youngest Danvers until her powers returned. This meant that after two days of sleeping at the DEO on a cot, Alex finally managed to get a good nights sleep in her own bed. When she wakes up, Maggie's at the breakfast table with two cups of coffee and a distant look. Alex slides out of bed and takes a seat next to her. She feels like she's waiting for her own execution. They'd spent both days at the DEO looking after Kara and Maggie hadn't mentioned anything of the past week. 

"Is it?" 

Maggie nods but doesn't make eye contact. 

"Yeah Alex, it's time to have that talk." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okayyyy, finally everything is where it's supposed to be. I'm so sorry for anyone that saw this between the 10th and 11th! I realized that chapters one and two needed some work and tried to edit them on AO3 instead of in Google Docs. The result was creating two new chapters, deleting old chapters, accidentally posting things out of order..things got weird. In my attempt to make my fic better I kind of shot myself in the foot here. 
> 
> I'm really trying to make this into a story that's interesting to read and enjoyable for the audience. I think Maggie was a great partner for Alex. Not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime but even if the relationship doesn't last it can really help us to grow. 
> 
> For anyone that's made it this far, thank you so much for not giving up on this fic. I've got one chapter left. Half of it is already written and I'll have it up a little later this week. I'm always open to feedback and would really love to hear what you guys think. I'll totally own that I make a lot of errors when it comes to Grammar. I also do a lot of writing on my phone and sometimes auto correct gets me and I don't catch it when I proofread.


	4. And I'll Love You Properly

 

When Alex wakes up, Maggie's already at the breakfast table with two cups of coffee and a distant look. Alex slides out of bed and takes a seat next to her. She feels like she's waiting for her own execution. They'd spent both days at the DEO looking after Kara and Maggie hadn't mentioned anything of the past week.

"Is it?" 

Maggie nods but doesn't make eye contact. 

"Yeah Alex, it's time to have that talk."

_Here's where she says that this is too much. I just need to get through this conversation with composure, I will eat Winn's dirty gym socks before I cry during a breakup._

"Can I at least get a bottle of wine out?"

The second Alex mentions wine Maggie's face falls. "That's another thing that we need to talk about."

Kara, Eliza, and J'onn had all discussed drinking with her. Alex knows that she drinks more than she should but given the world that she exists in, it's a better coping mechanism than others that she's seen. 

"Maggie."

Before Alex can continue the detective cuts her off.

"No, I get it. We both have jobs where we see horrible things that we don't get to talk about. We risk our lives every day and we see people that we love die, people that could have just as easily been us. So I get needing to cope but, Alex. You're a scientist. How many articles have you read about the negative effects of binge drinking."

Alex doesn't need to respond. Being a part of the science division means Maggie's read many of the same articles that she was required to way back in college. 

"I'm not trying to judge you, okay? I'm not trying to stand here and point out your flaws but Alex, you need a better coping mechanism. I'm not saying that you have to stop drinking. It's just that your first instinct can't be to drink when something goes wrong. You have people that care about you, let us help you. Let me help you." 

Alex nods and then closes her eyes trying to find her center. She takes a deep breath before looking into Maggie's eyes. The conversation is going far better than she had hoped it would but she still need confirmation. Confirmation that they're still a couple, confirmation that she hasn't broken them.

"Ride or die?" 

Alex offers up the phrase with hesitance. They haven't approached the bruises, her lying, Kara crashing into her apartment, or even how the DEO repaired it so quickly. She's not sure if Maggie's still at that level, she doesn't know what she'll have to do to earn her girlfriend's trust back. 

"Ride or die, babe." 

Maggie's eyes bore into Alex and she reaches out to rest her hand on Alex's cheek. The physical contact is reassuring, after a few seconds, Maggie moves her hand down to take Alex's in her own.

"What happened earlier this week? You've kept this bottled up inside and I can see that it's tearing you apart. You can trust me. Bonus, I've got clearance for these kinds of cases so you're not committing treason by telling me."

Alex bites her lip almost hard enough to draw blood. She doesn't want their dynamic to change. She doesn't want Maggie to treat her differently but she can't imagine that Maggie won't put kid gloves on. 

"We lost an agent."

Maggie does her best to keep her face passive and squeezes Alex's hands gently encouraging her to continue.

"We had just finished a sweep of an old Cadmus base. I was in the field with two of our newest recruits, Jones and Carmichael. The location was abandoned months ago after we stormed it. Occasionally we'll take out new agents and walk them through where enemy combatants actually were in the field. When we exited the location someone threw a grenade at us." 

Alex shudders watching everything play out in her mind. Her tone goes flat as she tries to disassociate and focus on the facts.  

"I heard something hit the ground behind me and I saw Carmichael's eyes widen. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground and my ears were ringing. Kara showed up a second later and flew us all to the DEO. Jones dove on the grenade to save us. He was only nineteen Maggie! The second youngest recruit we've ever brought on. He was selfless and brave, and brilliant. He put more hours in the training room than any other agent."

Alex doesn't explain that she was the youngest agent ever recruited by the DEO. She doesn't explain that she'd identified with his determination to do something worthwhile with his life. She'd even met his little sister. 

"I would have jumped on it, in a heartbeat Maggie. If I'd seen it, he would still be here."

"I know."

Her response is immediate because Maggie does know. She knows that Alex wouldn't hesitate to jump on a grenade. Maggie wouldn't either, but hearing about a situation where her girlfriend could have died, would have willingly sacrificed herself, is uncomfortable, to say the least. She pushes through because it's the nature of their jobs. There are situations that she winds up in that are just as dangerous as Alex's. Focusing back on her girlfriend Maggie frowns. She's seen that shellshocked look on the faces of enough officers to understand that Alex is reliving the moment of trauma. She reaches up gently and rubs Alex's shoulder until her gaze returns. 

"I know you would have Alex. Our job at the end of the day is to protect who we can and then go home. You did everything you could. You did, now come home to me."  

It's not that simple. She can see the survivors guilt clearly in Alex's trembling lips. She'd noticed her girlfriend was jumpier, the way she'd lose focus in conversations, the nightmares. 

"Why didn't you tell me about it?" 

"That night, I got drunk and passed out. Every time I closed my eyes I saw everything in slow motion. And then that morning you were here and we were talking about breakfast tacos instead of burritos and I felt normal. I felt as close to okay as I've felt since..."

Alex takes a shaky breath before continuing.

"J'onn won't let me out into the field. Everyone at the DEO has been walking on eggshells. Kara won't stop blaming herself. She heard the grenade hit the ground but she wasn't fast enough to clear the city and absorb the blast. I just needed something to feel normal." 

Maggie gets it. She really does. She knows how fiercely independent her girlfriend is. Letting others help just doesn't come naturally, instead, she tends to hide when she's hurting. Feeling broken and having others know, being treated differently because of it is literally hell for Alex. Thinking back to the past week Maggie tries to list some of the flags that she'd noticed but had let slide, trusting that Alex would come to her if something was wrong. 

"The headaches?" 

Alex frowns stares out the window. 

"I had a concussion." 

Maggie wants to point out how dangerous a concussion can be but she knows it won't be productive to the conversation, instead she continues her list, "not wanting to shower with me and insisting that the lights were out, that was to hide the bruises?" 

Alex nods and this time turns her focus to her feet. Maggie feels frustration and fear well in her chest. 

"Look at me." 

She keeps her voice soft with the command and gently guides Alex's chin upwards with her hand. She wants to lecture Alex for hours on how they're in a relationship. She could have easily injured Alex further and have never known and that's not something she's comfortable with. 

"I love you Alex. I'm here for you, but you've got to meet me half way. I need you to tell me when you're hurt. Can you do that?" 

Alex doesn't hesitate with her response, "yes." 

"Good, and I need you to talk to someone at the DEO. J'onn mentioned that they have counselors for agents that are available. I get it, no cop wants to go to psych either but I think it will help."

Maggie searches her girlfriend's eyes. Alex's eyebrows scrunch up, her lips turn down, and Maggie can feel the hesitation. She wants to say no. 

"On the force, whenever an officer is lost in the field, we have mandatory counseling for any officer that was with them. It doesn't last forever, usually just a few sessions to help them deal with the trauma. I really think that this would help you Alex or I wouldn't suggest it." 

Alex doesn't look convinced. Her shoulders are pulled back but she nods and Maggie feels her chest lighten. 

"You can always talk to me too, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." 

Alex nods but Maggie can see the doubt in her eyes. 

"I'm not, just don't lie to me, okay? I'm all in for the crazy. I've got your six when we're tracking down aliens bent on destroying our city. I'm down for Danvers family dinners, and game nights when your little sister cheats." 

The topic change and reference to happier times have exactly the effect Maggie had hoped they would. Alex's nose scrunches up but she smiles as she replies, "she's such a cheater." 

Maggie feels herself relax as the tone of their conversation lightens. "I can handle that. What I need is for you to be honest." 

Maggie notices that Alex is finally starting to relax too as some of the tension she'd been holding since the start of their conversation melts away.  

"I can do that." 

Maggie's coffee cup is empty. She reaches over to steal a sip from Alex's cup and her redhead offers up an affronted "hey!" 

"Good, also for breakfast we're eating grapefruits." 

The one thing that she's learned is that both of the Danvers girls hate healthy food. She's rewarded for the playful breakfast suggestion with Alex's immediate response. 

"Eww gross." 

Alex's face contorts with disgust and Maggie continues, "and then for dessert tonight? Vegan ice cream." 

"You can't even call that ice cream!" 

-

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! To everyone that read the whole thing, thanks for sticking with it! I really hope that you enjoyed it. Drop a comment and let me know what you think. 
> 
> I'm actively trying to get better at proofreading and grammar. One day I'll write something that doesn't have errors but until then...I will absolutely own up to any mistakes that are found.


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